Sweating Sheets

Can’t eat an ice chip
Can’t take a sip
Can’t walk
Losing breath
Blood
I should call emergency
Dr, I’m broken

I shuffled to a taxi
“please take me to a cure”
Once again I’ll sign these forms
yes of my own volition
but also not my choice

the sharpshooter finds the vein
the dread not followed by pain
iv drip with a powerful steroid push
first liquids in days
come on kidneys
three times a night sweat through the sheets
a gasp of breath between words
stuttering starts days pass
alone

NPO - nothing per oral
Kickoff painkiller brings absolute relaxation
Torso without the acute response
i remember sleeping
steroids battle morphines
Up down awake out
draw the curtains
Is it bright
it is night
I’m confused
On my birthday

A couple meals
Try taking pills
pull each leg forward to resemble walking
20 pounds down
Calves, thighs shoulders gone
Time to go
information is presented but
far from understood
struggle out the door
no float to get up the stairs
no recollection of my return

the orders I follow don’t make sense
leave the house the day after this?
An hour and 1/2 to prepare
drive the truck to the clinic
no record of an appointment
I’m lost, where should I be?
So i stand, barely leaning
old man quiver
confused by the destination
I see myself in eyes of others
grey and swollen
disoriented and shaking
What am i doing here?
Can i please go home?

These dreams aren’t in color
The medications create
Sharp primary pixels with my eyes closed
my right eye shut
hot spot of red, green, purple
where do these come from?
What trigger was pulled to burn them into my night sight?

One cup of water
concentrate on the grip
don’t drop it, focus, focus,
no chance to get off the couch
not even strength no internal motivation
drained completely as day becomes night becomes day
sleep never comes, when it does for 83 minutes
hungry shaking sweating stumbling napping
Am I well? Am I sick? How tired? I can’t tell.
I can’t tell.

Days of sitting quietly
Dust floats through sun beams
when did I cross my legs?
how long have I been here?
no reading even with glasses
watch tv vegetate try to eat

Is this fear? Am I scared?
To go outside? To walk down?
I am.
Take stairs up I can’t catch my breath
Sit down for 30 minutes from one basic move
Walk on a Monday, shattered on a Tuesday
48 hour recovery from a walk around the block.
Baritone to tenor, profundo to a wisp

weeks pass
motionless quiet
an idea forms
but the action can’t be performed
Slow eight brocade
find a stretch expand a muscle
leave, return, breathe
panicky moments
be double careful mantra
shower or cooking or driving
pray no accidents
no accidents

Swimming pool session every three days
float in the corner, moving my limbs
Muscles want to reform
not quickly not of youth
strength recovers
slowly & not complete
many walks before the stride reforms
skin thins cuts unexplained
face expands poisoned hair
buffalo hump eyes tearing pounds lost
back stings internal pain
exertion forces reevaluation
sit again let time pass

Early summer I existed
Mid summer i disappeared into
weeks of couch bed bathroom
hospital noise nightmares
A hot washcloth of humid air
week after week after week
blur through recovery
a haze still exists
fog of frustration
broken dreams
suffering this fool
one more step